Finding Peace in the Imperfect
I sit here thinking back to this past month, thinking about how August flew by, and how in just one short month so much has happened. My internship that I loved ended, my husband quit his job in New York. We spent every waking minute that we could as a family before Brian and I left New York and headed out on our cross-country road trip, driving & moving back to Utah. We announced that we're adding another Angell to our family in February. Brian started his job out here, I started back in with my studio work, and we're both enrolled in school this semester. We KonMarie'd our closets, and now I'm going KonMarie crazy. We figured out our health insurance back here and we finally have a set date for Brian's MRI, plus I have begun the task of finding a doctor that I love in Utah. My father in law came up to visit with us this weekend & to attend a funeral, as a family friend passed away. We've been weaving in and out of the fast lane, trying to keep up with what life has been throwing us, and where we're meant to go from here.
It's a bit overwhelming when I think of it on that scale — the one that just gives you just a few selected major happenings. But I think, and I believe that life isn't meant to be looked over so quickly, without carefully taking note of the tiny yet remarkably planned out details.
Taking a quick look at my life over the last month, I recognize that it has been far from perfect, yet still filled with peace, still filled with happiness. As I begin to look at my life in microscopic measure, I realize how perfect it actually has been — not perfect in the sense that everything has gone just the way we thought or hoped, because that hasn't happened — I mean perfect in the way that we have been tested, tried, and taught in the exact ways that we needed to be.
Peace is something that I have been pondering lately, as I see a world overwhelmed and over burdened with distractions on the level of overkill. These distractions range from instant gratification, to instant notifications, political turmoil, to personal gain, loss of hope, and loss of holding to what we know to be right and so many other disillusions of what true joy is.
There is this reassurance that it will be okay though, at least that's what I believe. That no matter how crazy my life will get that Christ knows and understands what I am going through. Isn't that one of the greatest blessings of the Atonement? Isn't that, on top of repentance, the reason why Christ came to earth to go through what He did? There in itself lies grace for me, that this perfect being went through the suffering that He did, to know and understand me, my trials, my weaknesses, my heartaches, my downfalls, my shortcomings. The Atonement has changed my life in ways I never thought it could be changed, in ways I never thought that I could change. The more that I find myself on my knees communing with Him in prayer, and through personal study of the scriptures, the more I find life's distractions fading into the background, blurring behind me as unimportant, and unworthy of my precious time here on earth.
Joy for me is real. Despite the very personal heavy loads, the very hard things, and the very heartaches that have tested me at my limits, I have experienced joy interwoven into my daily life — joy, peace, and hope make themselves at times more real to me than the struggles themselves. So yes, my life is not perfect, and neither is yours, but I believe that as my Father in Heaven, much like any parent here on earth, I believe that He wants us, His Children, to find true joy and happiness, to search for, and to find that peace we are in need of. It may not always happen in what we consider to be the best timing, but I know that God's answers for us arise, that resolution happens, and peace is found in His perfect timing. I have seen it in my own life, as I begin to examine it in closer detail, His hand working to bring me closer to him, to bring me comfort, to bring me answers, to bring me to where I am meant to be.
So as my life continues to chart into the unknown storm tossed waters, there is peace, there is hope, there is happiness, and there is reassurance, because Christ is at the helm.